Check out the new trailer for Star Trek: Starfleet Academy here:

Whoops, that was a parody of Stargate: SG-1 where they cast younger actors as a joke in their 200th episode. (And yeah, it came out in 2006, before the first iPhone.)

Here's the real trailer:

Listen, I don't want to yuck someone else's yum – and in fact, I am usually the one to defend “new Trek” and its value and validity, to fans who may be a little too hung up on what Trek used to be – but this trailer does not fill me with confidence. I'm sorry, but this looks like a below-average, generic, young-adult coming-of-age story with a Star Trek flavor. Even if I concede that maybe I'm personally just not interested in a “college drama”, I think it still looks pretty bad for anyone who would be interested in that genre.

We start off by meeting Caleb and immediately getting that he went through some childhood trauma because of generic-bad-guy who somehow had Caleb's mother taken away from him, so we know that Caleb is going to be broodish and uncooperative in his new home at Starfleet Academy. Undoubtedly, the almighty Starfleet ideals will help guide and mold him into a successful member of society. So they take a shuttle up to the school, which is a ship for some reason, while percussion stingers sound in the background, because that's how we make trailers, obviously! I don't care if it's a space ship, it's a school. Imagine a trailer showing off a school building like it's some sort of big reveal worthy of awe.

Next we have Tig Notaro telling us that being a cadet means “being open to the people around you”, and one cadet telling the Doctor that she sometimes feels invisible and awkward. Now, listen to me carefully. I firmly defended Season 2 of Star Trek: Picard from the people who thought it was too “touchy-feely”, citing discovery of one's self as the perfect compliment to the exploration of space. I will also defend Star Trek: Discovery for its efforts to be inclusive and introspective. But even I have my limits, and I think this trailer just sent me past them. Listen, I approve of the message, but it gets really tiring when they continue to present it in such an obtuse, declarative way. No doubt the vaunted Starfleet Academy will help that girl gain confidence and find belonging, but do they have to be so obvious about it?

We get a few scenes of college students doing typical college things, and then a few flashes of Klingon characters so that we can have our needed cultural diversity. Again, I agree with the message, just not the method. It all seems so formulaic, just like this trailer, because we're about due for the background music to stop with a slow-down sound effect so that we can get a few lines of what is supposed to be poignant dialogue, just for the music to swell again with some sort of powerful-looking scenes. Oh, look at that...

Next, we are reminded that there's a bad guy, and now we need the music to stop again for a light-hearted moment to remind us that there will be comedy, too. Except... whatever the hell this scene is with Holly Hunter spinning in a chair isn't at all funny. Cue the percussion-heavy music and quick-fire visuals! Space battles! People kissing! Dead bodies! People running! Holly Hunter swiping away a computer display almost dramatically! CUT TO BLACK! Poignant quote for the coda aaaaand, THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A TRAILER!

I want to barf. The vast majority of the comments section agrees: this trailer is awful. I can't wait to watch the show! On the other hand, I just recently reviewed the 2009 Star Trek film, and I had to admit that I only came to accept it after 15 years. Maybe I'll better appreciate this show sometime after 2040. ◼